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This page is just a place to put interesting items that make you think, reflect, laugh, cry, meditate or appreciate what life has brought to the table.  It will be updated every so often.  You, as Members, are welcome to submit items that are appropriate for this page.  Also, let me know if you like this page and would like to see it continue.  Send an email to Reflections@alp186.org

One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked  me why, I replied,

 "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
 

My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school
reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know  him?" "Yes", she sighed,

 "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

 "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

 And then the fight  started...

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of  a clever way to make her point.

           When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I  came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."

           The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a  limp.
 

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

 And then the fight started...
 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes

from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

 And then the fight started......

 

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

 

I rear-ended a car this morning...

the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

12/19/11

10/30/11

10/29/11

Objection from a former sailor:

To the Editor:

I object and take exception to everyone saying that Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken sailor.  As a former drunken sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.

NAME WITHHELD

USN Retired

10/29/11

WORDS TO THE WISE

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

  10. Bad decisions make good stories.

 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

  19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

 22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

 24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

08/04/11

A Different Drug Problem…

Editor’s note:

The following letter has appeared on the internet and was viewed by many readers. Many

felt it would be appropriate for the readers of Avoyelles Parish.

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been

found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question,

“Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”

I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday

morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions

and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the

woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did

not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my

best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a

profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds and cockleburs

out of dad’s fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out

some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some

firewood, and, if my mother had even known that I took a single dime as a tip for this

kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say or

think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today’s children had this

kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.

(submitted by concerned citizen)

 05/02/11

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
 

02/23/11

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."


 

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN!

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'





 

01/26/11

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.   ‘My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

 9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Remember those good ole Westerns?

Click on the link for some nostalgia:  http://oldfortyfives.com:80/thoseoldwesterns.htm

02/16/10

KIDS IN CHURCH …..

3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
And I wanted to stay with you guys.'
 

01/17/10

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
Were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
 

A father was at the beach with his children
When the four-year-old son ran up to him,
Grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
Where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied..
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
 

REMEMBER ME

Lizzie Palmer who put this program together, is 15 years old.  The video runs 5 Minutes, 23 Seconds.

Click on the link below

ervaMPt4Ha0&autoplay=1

up 04/09/09